Ptah – I’ve mentioned Him before. He’s the God of craftsmen and architects, patron of skilled work trades.
Serket – Ooh, I haven’t worked with Her before, but I’ve hoped to for years. She’s a scorpion Goddess, often portrayed partially in that form or wearing one as a crown. Lesser known now, but She was associated with the early pharaohs because scorpions in Egypt can be deadly. She was a protector against poison and snakebite and sometimes as a defender against Apep, the serpent of chaos, or as a guard of Him captured. She was also a protector of the canopic jars after embalming and so associated with Isis and Nephthys.
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And I also drew new Isis cards…a second one jumped out while I was shuffling and I was told to keep it.
Initiation. Again. Wow, how many times is this? And Divine Destiny. Okay, then.
I just keep getting this Initiation card; pretty much every time I’ve handled the deck since the beginning of the year no matter how much I’ve shuffled it’s just kept coming up or jumping out or something every time. I’ve started wondering—and when it happened again this time I asked for and maybe received some confirmation—this is about something in particular.
Today when it came up, I kind of scoffed a little…and then drew Divine Destiny. It’s a card of spiritual Work, purpose coming together, not giving up even when it looks like things will never “click.” Which also ties in to the thing that’s maybe why Initiation in chasing me.
You know those times where it feels like things are in motion, just happening? The spiral turns and things start to align? It feels like maybe I’m in one of those now, or about to be.
I was working on a new draw for this week’s Neteru (yep, I’m back on schedule now!) and then realized I hadn’t posted my last batch of creations yet. So, here they are!
Nekhbet: This is another one of these awesome Egyptian vulture pendants, this time with lapis lazuli, bloodstone, and turquoise howlite.
Heru-Sa-Aset (Horus the Younger): He’s given me a very low-key vibe so far and I have some interesting upg about Him present-day. So it became this very simple but relevant piece, maybe the most traditional vibe though: flat lapis teardrop with lapis, red coral, and orange goldstone with cool silver stainless beads in between.
Nebet Het (Nephthys): Deep purple is one of the colors I personally associate with Her, Mistress of Mysteries as She is. So I used a large antique brass ankh and more of these glass lovelies (I’ve had them well over a decade but never used them in jewelry-making until lately, and they look so cool) with lapis lazuli, amethyst, and shiny peacock treated faceted glass rondelles.
Ma’at: Years ago I was given a group of these magnificent carved bone feathers, so I paired it with weighty lapis teardrops (that I love; they’re so ancient-inspired they look like they walked out of a museum) with carnelian and red coral.
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And I’ve been having technical difficulties charging my camera lately but I think I can *finally* start getting all the shinies from my ongoing Neteru projects listed in the shop now. Woohoo! 🙂
Yesterday I went to a ritual for (slightly belated) Ostara. Not my usual Heatheny/Druidy folks but a small local group here in my town. I’d met them before, but it never really clicked and I’d never been to one of their rituals.
It was my first actual Wiccan/Neopagan sort of ritual. I’d experienced elements before, like the circle and calling directions in big open events in the past—Wicca’s a starting point for so many, that stuff often seems drawn on as “universal-ish” most people will recognize—but never a full event. It was about what I expected, and reconfirmed Wicca is not where I belong. It was nice, but the Lord and Lady…it felt so vague and to me. Even with certain names applied for part of it, it didn’t seem to really connect with those deities. Still, it’s always interesting to experience new ritual so I was glad I attended.
What was weird, though, was what happened when I left. I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention since I was still thinking through and processing a new ritual, so maybe I took a wrong turn? It should have been a little over a mile to a red light where I’d turn, but I suddenly looked up and realized I’d been driving too long now without reaching it and nothing around me looked at all familiar.
As that realization hit, I drove around a turn and everything changed. Big old trees reaching out almost completely over the road, dark woods all around with no houses. It kept getting darker and the trees bigger with vines all over them and on either side out in the woods there were natural, perfectly circular clearings and that was the only place the sun pieced through. I kept taking turns but no matter which way I went it seemed to keep taking me deeper. Then the terrain changed and while the road never came back into sunlight there were these huge round hills on either side. We have a lot of hill here; they are mostly sweeping and lightly wooded, not tall and green and perfectly rounded like they ought to be filled with hobbit-hole doors. Oh and I forgot to mention…the sunny clearings before? Now the hills? Huge crows everywhere—not flying, just watching me.
After twenty-five minutes of driving around looking for the way back to civilization, I came back out on the same road I started, exactly where I thought I’d end up originally. At the red light. A weird feeling of disorientation lingered though, and twice more I took wrong turns and saw the road start to get darker ahead and the same strange energy but turned and looped back before I reached it.
Then I got to the main highway and it was over. Everything was normal again. I felt fine. I drove home, no trouble. Everything was back as it should be.
So…
That’s straight up out of folklore stuff. Classic Fae/Faery in particular, and I realized after that it was the third thing in less than thirty-six hours to unexpectedly bring them up to me. Not sure what that means but my spirits have been preparing me for ages now for the day I’d cross paths with them. I don’t know if that’s now, but…I’m definitely paying attention.
I hope everyone had a lovely Spring Equinox and Ostara, etc. if you celebrate. This was Green Spring/Green Awakening for me, and some anniversaries. It was year four of celebrating—in some related manner—this holiday and it’s fun how like the other holidays of my childhood, there are parts that blend together but also differences each year. I think I’m finally beginning to really build tradition around these holidays that it felt like I lost when I came to these beliefs.
This is my magickal New Year (a lot of witchy types celebrate at the end of October but I align mine with my spirits and the coming of spring). Usually there’s a bonfire the night prior and dancing but due to circumstances this year I instead did a fire working alone early on the 20th.
It feels like there’s been a growing cloud of frustration and negativity hanging over me lately and it felt past time for just hoping or “thinking positive”—so I committed it to magick. I burned some cedar from trimming the yard and remaining mugwort chips from the last ritual…and I tossed into the fire pink salt to banish all but positive energies and some meadowsweet to lay my old magickal year to rest and welcome the new one. (And it smelled so amazing I can’t even say; I love meadowsweet.) None of that old pain or baggage gets to come with me further.
Also, I looked ahead to the next ritual with ribbons on May 1st more than usual, so I went ahead and cut the ribbons and entwined them together to help continue to bring me and my Beloveds back closer—I wrap ribbons for the intentions They share with me for the coming year also—so they’re now on my altar early, gathering energy.
And the full moon was a bonus! It was shining so brightly here it kept waking me up throughout the night, fooling me it was the beginnings of dawn. Yay, moon energy!
Even so, after the big on-off rituals that corresponded to the equinox the last couple of years it actually felt like a pretty quiet ritual day. I kept thinking I was forgetting to do things, but it was just a calmer year. The weather was lovely and the flowers were out in full bloom to celebrate, though!
I’ve had a tough couple of days. It was a stressful weekend of interpersonal stuff and not much sleep and then when I was sitting outside trying to get centered again from that, I managed to get a bad sunburn that completely drained my energy. My anxiety has been high and I’ve felt overwhelmed and exhausted. Especially with the full moon and equinox and projects I wanted to work on while these energies were in the air.
None of my usual methods to get back on track helped so last night I asked Gods and spirits if any of Them had helpful ideas, I was open. I think They answered because I had weird dreams. (Lol, weirder than usual…and with the added sign of a huge freaking spider in my bathroom this morning whose colors and markings perfectly matched one that talked to me in the dreams.)
They involved the idea of standing up for myself/fighting back and how that’s not a lost cause—or at least isn’t as long as I try. I’ve spent so much time trying to improve things to have it blow up in my face or make things worse; it’s that “shoot the messenger” mentality where pointing out trouble people would rather ignore is treated worse than creating the trouble. It’s a process to move past that and a lot of it has been played out in dreams, but I’m getting better. And last night there was a new aspect I can’t remember before that *even if* it doesn’t go well, *even if* I get hit with the “didn’t word it right” and “how it was brought up was uncomfortable” BS that goes around, I’m not the first in the soul family there and it doesn’t mean it was wrong.
There was also an element of being protected (specifically by Anubis) that played out. I don’t doubt I’m cared about, or that I’m defended…but. 😛 It’s also true that in the Otherworlds there are rules and here—while They can and do intervene in intense, powerful ways—there are limits. While I likely took my faith in being protected too far in the early days after I gave Anubis my first oaths, now maybe I’ve gone too far the other way that They can rarely help me.
Time to recalibrate that. Here at the full moon, the equinox, one of my spiritual new years, the second anniversary of my spirits marriages, and the first anniversary of oaths to my people…it’s probably a good time. To remember all the struggles and all the amazing things and everything not finished yet. That even when I’m tired or stressed or uncertain I feel sometimes, We’re only just getting started.
A friend posted this on FB this morning and I’ve been listening on repeat all day because it feels like it fits. 🙂
I went off for a long walk through my woods today. I was so excited about the earliest signs of springtime, but the last month or so raced by and it feels like the impending Equinox has snuck up on me a little bit. So it was time to get out and enjoy it now that it’s really in bloom and get my spring vibes flowing.
I’ve been advised before that my spirit needs nature and the woods; it’s part of how my soul is made. Too long cut off, without green around me or soil and stone under my (often as possible bare) feet and both I and my magick will suffer. I try to remember but it’s often too easy to get caught up in responsibilities, especially in winter when days are shorter and the weather not as cooperative.
I also ventured back to my ritual clearing, which was—unsurprisingly—pretty trashed since I haven’t spent much time there in over a year and a lot of branches came down in autumn and winter storms. But I reclaimed my side altar just outside of it to make a couple little offerings to the local spirits since it had been so long.
(A few years ago, I set up an agreement to “lease” the clearing for rituals with the Free Court on the conditions that I bring small offerings whenever I’m there for the land spirits and a group of pixies who live around the stream that borders one side who claimed ownership of the woods and that I keep wards and defenses so that Between energy—or spirits/critters—don’t escape into the wider area.)
And I was pleasantly surprised that while the chairs and altars were knocked over by wind and falling limbs, nothing was actually broken or damaged. So maybe the spirits have been watching over the place a little in my absence.
It was lovely and rejuvenating. Also, I found a couple of great places to hide from the ringwraiths, in case I ever need them. 😉
I had intended to focus the rest of my week on crafts and enjoying lovely spring weather and the later sunsets, but I’ve been finding it impossible to shake off the feelings from everything that’s come up lately and move forward. It’s been killing my creativity—and I don’t like making things unless I can find even fleeting excitement and positivity anyway since I don’t want other stuff sticking to my projects.
The “why” has been gnawing at me. Situational negativity and a feeling of not belonging have contributed to my discouragement, but they can’t be all of it—it’s not enough to bring me so far down or lead me to push away the People I love the most. It’s more, some trigger or crack that let it get inside my head. Since (at least for the moment) I can only change environment so much, that intermediate thing is where I have to work.
So even though I’m sick to death of shadow work after the last few years and the last thing I wanted to do is go wandering yet again in the quagmire of Why I Am The Way I Am…I was off once more into the abyss. And it goes back a long way to old traumas that taught me making people happy or “like” me was the only key to safety and that without others agreeing with me, no one would ever listen. Aloneness is not just loneliness, but also danger. The more time I spend with Gods and spirits, the more unpopular ideas or experiences I have that expand that aloneness and deep down I’ve been blaming Them. Yes, I’ve made choices, but lots of people interact with the Unseen who don’t cross so far into weird and do belong; meanwhile I feel I have to choose between Their love and my path or ever feeling safe and secure in this world.
I wish that wasn’t a choice and that I could hold out that—whatever my upbringing—the rest of the world isn’t like that. But just with disagreements the last few weeks, I’ve had friends ghost me. They don’t understand that this is more than my religion or academic interest but my life and I can’t change my experiences to fit someone else’s philosophical musings. I’m excited to hear those opinions and ruminate on ways they might fit or just accept that things are different for different folks and be supportive, but I can’t alter or deny my own lived journey to always agree.
So I choose Their love and my path, committing fully to that and letting go of the rest. If I can’t eliminate the anxiety, I need to find inspiration through it. If I don’t feel heard, I have to find certainty enough to speak even when no one’s listening. If I can’t make myself liked enough to avoid the storms, I need to armor myself with knowing I’m loved and worthy enough to weather them. If I don’t feel safe, I’ve got to learn to be happy and care and feel even under fire. After all, Gods have told me before that the greatest act of defiance in the face of darkness is to love and celebrate under siege—maybe it’s time to figure that one out.
I spent the last few days taking a break and trying to reconnect. If I was blocking—even inadvertently—the interactions with my Gods and spirits, then it was also for me to set it right and reopen the doors. Or at least begin the process.
Also, thanks to everyone who read or liked or reached out after my last. It’s reassuring to know I’m not so alone. And that even though my experiences are mine, they can resonate for other folks as well. So, I appreciate it. ❤
It seems a normal part of every path to have tough times and you can focus on the struggle a while, but then you have to either remember why you love it, why you live for it, why you’re doing it…or realize you made a mistake and start figuring out how to get back out. It occurred to me this weekend the option is still open to me, at least on a lot of fronts. It’d be hard, cost a lot, but I could quit and step back. Figure out what all this peace and light and grounding and “just being human” people keep talking up is all about anyway.
I’m not going to, but I could and that matters. It’s still my choice. Maybe a day will come when all I want is quiet and to lay down my burdens, when the Otherworlds no longer call to me like siren-song and I no longer burn to stand beside Them. But it’s not this day, nor any day I can foresee.
I sought out discussion and re-connection. Cards, pendulum, just listening, energy working with my People. There’s disappointment and hurt, but we’re still in this together and the cracks can be repaired for us to keep building together. In the end, we did reconnect. It wasn’t easy, and most every step felt like someone stomping on my chest. (It’s weird when energy/astral and emotional things manifest as physical symptoms like that.) But no giving up and eventually it worked—like a blindfold ripped off where I could feel again and it felt impossible I’d managed without, or that I could have missed losing it.
I’m not going to pretend it’s over and fixed. It’s a process. The feeling of closeness, like it would all be okay because we were together, already feels like a dream I can barely hold onto. Which means we’re only beginning. But it’s a start, so—onward!
*If you’re wondering, Isis and the Neteru allowed me to shift the names and cards from last week to this one, so there won’t be any new ones for a few days yet. I have a lot of work left before me. 🙂
I’ve had more time than usual to ponder on things lately, especially that twenty-hour road trip last week. And now I’ve had enough time after to think back through—because like shower musings, the random mental tangents of road trips don’t always hold up to further scrutiny.
Increasingly of late, I’ve felt disconnected. Stuck in this discouraged inertia, almost apathy. I’m doing all the things but it’s hard to start, hard to finish, and I feel like I can’t get my heart into it. There have been flashes where everything clicked together and in some ways they’ve felt more intense for that, but…I miss the everyday. I don’t want to save connection and feeling just for special occasions.
The why has been eluding me. Or maybe I was just running from it. But with so much time for my thoughts, it seems obvious. And it’s not the first time.
I’m lonely.
I’m always lonely at home and with (corporeal) family. The day of camper freedom can’t come soon enough. And while the situation has calmed, that in itself is a further deterioration. I hated the fights, but at least they meant we still cared enough to keep fighting. Not so anymore—and as I seemed to start every argument maybe I was alone in that caring all along. But it matters little anymore because now I’ve given up as well, and begun the process of un-family-ing them in my mind. I’ve successfully reached the point of just disengaging when they ignore, interrupt, belittle, talk over me like I would some asshole in traffic who cuts me off in traffic driving like a maniac. But that necessary separating means I feel alone even when I’m sitting next to them.
And then there’s my local (ish) polytheist community where there’s been drama, drama, drama lately. I’m not saying Heathen communities have more of it than other communities but…
(In their defense, I’ve been part of more than one Heathen community in two years and not even found any Kemetic, Hellenic, witchy, etc. ones in that time, so maybe it’s just numbers.)
There’s been growing trouble for a while, but there were two kerfuffles last week alone. And unlike the Heathen group I hung with a bit a couple years ago or polytheist events I’d visited, I was a founding member of this community and that makes it harder because I remember all the grand ideas and plans I was excited for that we’re not living up to at all. It’s become the same as everywhere else and frankly, I’m tired of folks like me who honor multiple groups, or any “problematic” People, or have intense experiences, or feel personal relationships with Gods or spirits being pushed to the fringe and told our experience is wrong or invalid or unnecessary and to just sit down and shut up. Obviously a Heathen group must have boundaries, but there’s now codified virulent anti-Lokean rules for the group and minority Heathen paths (like Slavic, Finnish, Sami) have been pushed to the edges also.
The argument is almost always the same why: certain leaders feel threatened or invalidated by some of us having different paths and so we’re the bad guys. Just by existing we’re a threat…so our experiences and choices are relegated to “just opinion” that they can sweep aside. I’m not insensitive to their feelings; I remember what it was like as a baby pagan feeling unworthy to the Gods compared to *that person* over there before They taught me that’s not how it works. But these people are far from babies and don’t seem interested in ideas of non-hierarchy or multiple equally valid paths. And at this point—not to put too harsh a spin on it—I’m getting tired of helping fight other people’s demons in hopes afterward those people finally treat me with any respect. I don’t understand why our communities so often have to be like this.
Friends have been doing it, too. Not directly, but the sort of disapproving or “oh, I don’t believe in that” comments people make when they think no one affected by it is in the room. Maybe it’s not meant the way it sounds and I admit to a—well-justified—sense of paranoia where my mind immediately starts making lists of things to not mention (at least hoping for support) and looking back on previous interactions with more than a little “oh shit” happening.
It’s getting to me. My People also feel distant, even my Beloveds, and interactions that regularly oscillate between constant empathic/telepathic companionship and long-distance relationship feel they’ve swung hard toward the latter and stuck that way. I feel Them around sometimes and also feel myself pull away even though I don’t want to. I feel certain in Their love and it was established years ago the love made us stronger together…but their kindness and acceptance is often more complicated. It gives me false hope, makes me lower defenses, and share too much. And that pretty much never works out for me.
So, I fear the distance is largely my fault. Maybe this loneliness is on me…and that makes it worse somehow. I’ve asked myself so many times if I can even trust anymore. My saving grace in the Otherworlds is the People I’m closest to (unfortunately) get it, sometimes too well. As for this world? Well, whenever I ask myself I come up with a resounding, definitive “meeehhhh, I hope so?” which is somewhat less than encouraging. Even with my few most awesome friends part of me is always waiting from them to turn on me…because that’s just what people do, isn’t it? I’ve got a quarter-century’s proof people almost always hurt others whether it helps them or not because others’ pain *is* the reward and a couple rocky, tentative years of maybe people not doing that or maybe biding their time.
I hate feeling cynical and I know it springs from some from (very specific) previous betrayals. It’s not me. It’s not who I want to be or how I want to think. It’s a loss of faith—not in what I believe or my path or that there’s good in the world, but that I’ll ever experience it or even deserve to hope. And I’m not sure how to get back from that.
(***Apologies for negativity but hey, at least I found funny media and a kick-ass song to lighten the mood. Only posting good stuff or where I had it all figured it out is the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do when I started blogging…and while I love inspiring and showing off the fun side, I still stand by that. ❤ )
Another week, another draw. I have more time this week and I’ve gotten back in the crafting vibe now, so we’re going ambitious with four names.
Ma’at – The personification of the Egyptian idea or justice or right action, being right with the Gods and the world. It’s Her feather hearts are weighed against after death to determine if you enter the Afterlife or not.
Nephthys – I’ve written about Her before: daughter of Nut, sister of Isis, wife of Set, birth mother of Anubis (and since I believe Anupet His twin sister, Her also). She’s associated with death, funerary rites, and protection of the dead. I also tend to associate Her with secrets and hidden things.
Heru sa Aset (Horus the Younger) – The son of Osiris and Isis, miraculously born after His father was killed and resurrected and was very much a savior figure who set things back right after the drama between Osiris and Set and Isis and all that.
Nekhbet – I’ve drawn Her before also, just a couple weeks ago. The vulture, protector of Upper Egypt and the pharaohs, and a goddess of rebirth.
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And I drew a new Isis card but I’m also keeping out the last one another week. I had suspicions about what it was related to but I’m not sure. I feel like maybe there’s more that hasn’t clicked yet.
So, I’m keeping out The Brother In Darkness, to see if there’s more for me to learn from it right now.
And the new card is Divine Sun Child. Hmmm…that’s definitely an interesting pair to have out at the same time. This card refers to Horus the Younger and the love and commitment from Isis to bring Him into existence.
Both cards have to do with healing, setting things right after mistakes or trouble—and for that matter, the draw above could largely align with that as well. I’m going to have to think on it.
Spiraling Labyrinth: Adventures of an Otherworlds Expatriate 